Thursday, March 18, 2010
Understanding Emotions
We recently put my family dog to sleep. I knew that this was going to be a rough obstacle I was going to have to get over, but it has been much harder than anticipated. Winston was an Old English sheepdog who was 13 and he lived a really great life. I feel as though I am socially constructed to feel like I should be grateful that he lived that long and that he was an extremely happy dog. But my basic emotions just mourn him and want him to be here to live another 13 years. We moved into my house and immediately got Winston, so returning home and him not being there is like living in an empty house. I have had a hard time understanding my emotions as to what I feel versus what I am supposed to feel. I feel as though I lost a part of my family, and myself and when other read this or when I express this to them they simply do not understand. This makes me refrain from expressing the sorrows that I really have about his passing. Then in turn this makes me feel stupid for caring about how I am supposed to feel, because I know how I actually do feel. Right when I heard the news I thought about this concept and it really put things into perspective about the true difference between basic emotions and socially constructed emotions. I also now know what it means by saying that emotions are holistic. This hit me like a brick wall and I am dealing with it in the only way I know how and that is with my basic emotions.
Conflict or not to conflict...
A couple months ago my best friend, Chrissy, and me got into one of our first arguments. We have a very playful relationship and we joke around a lot and it may seem like we are fighting, but we never are. So on this particular day we had a party and some things got out of hand. I wanted to handle it one way and she wanted to handle it the opposite way. We were both a little intoxicated so we decided to go with my way and then we would talk about it in the morning. Morning came and we started to discuss our issue. The problem that we had was that there were some people at our apartment that we did not know. Chrissy wanted them to leave and I said it was okay if they stayed; she got really heated over this. So they stayed and everything ended up working out, just as I thought. So when we talked about this we both tried to use constructive conflict communication so we were not disrespecting each other. We both listened closely to each other and understood where each other were coming from. We both let each other say what we had to say without interruptions. I asked her why she was so concerned with the random people being over and she expressed that she just felt uncomfortable not knowing them. I came to realize that this was a valid argument and I expressed that to Chrissy. We focused on the way that we both felt about the situation and how we would come to a consensus together the next time this problem came up. We both once again expressed our points of views and ultimately came to a compromise that it was okay that those people stayed and we worked through the conflict with constructive communication.
Non-Listening
Today I want to look at issues in relationships in relation to forms of non- listening. Within this concept I also want to recognize the various forms of non-listening.
The Concept
Non-listening according to Wood (2007) is called this because it simply does not involve real listening. There are six various types that most people engage in at least one point or other in their life. The six types of non-listening include: pseudolistening, monopolizing, selective listening, defensive listening, ambushing, and literal listening. All of these types of non-listening differ. They are all exceptionally important for us to understand so we can avoid using these tactics. To understand these styles will also allow us to realize if they are being used on us. Pseudolistening is simply pretending to listen. We pretend to be attentive, but our minds are elsewhere. The reasons we typically use pseudolistening is because we are bored or are too lost in the conversation already. The next type of non-listening is monopolizing. Monopolizing is continuously focusing communication on ourselves instead of listening to the person who is talking. This form of non-listening always tries to steer the attention from the speaker to the listener, in turn causing no listening on the listeners behalf, until they find their window for them to cut in. Similar to monopolizing, the next type is selective listening. Selective listening involves focusing only on particular parts of communication. This refers to listening to the only things that interest you. The next style us defensive listening. Defensive listening perceives personal attacks, criticism, or hostility in communication that is not critical or mean-spirited. When defensive listening is occurring we as the listener believe that the speaker is attacking us or that they do not trust us, or there is some other underlying hostility in the speaker’s message. Ambushing is listening carefully for the purpose of attacking a speaker. This is like the opposite of defensive listening, instead of the speaker attacking us; we are looking for certain words or tones to turn around on the speaker and the message. The last style is literal listening, and literal listening involves listening only for content and ignoring the relationship level of meaning. Literal listening does not give a conversation any depth it just relates back to the message and not the thoughts behind the message.
The Problem
So the other day Chrissy was talking to her friend from home, Ashley. She wanted to talk to her about her relationship issues. Now Ashley is a talker, and has more of a hard time listening because she is used to being the one that is getting listened to. Chrissy was hesitant to talk to Ashley about her issues because of this reason, but wanted to try just in case. One thing Chrissy brought up in conversation was that her boyfriend never seems to want to spend time with Chrissy when she is with her girlfriends. Ashley responded by saying “Well some of your friends at school are kind of hard to be around.” Chrissy took that with a grain of salt and then told her another concern about PDA and how she does not like to show it but her boyfriend does. Ashley came back and said “What is PDA again?” Chrissy wanted to give her one more chance so she said “My last concern is that my boyfriend might drink too much.” In full demand Ashley came back to say “Well yeah my boyfriend drinks a lot, too…” and after this she never stopped talking about herself.
Potential Management
According to Simon (2009) “The tactic of selective attention goes hand in hand with the inattentional thinking patterns. They almost always know what you’re about to say before you actually say it. And, they almost immediately start tuning you out. So, when they start tuning you out, you have absolute assurance they have no intention of changing course.” This research shows that selective listening is a problem and that it happens immediately in a conversation and you are tuned out the rest of the time. In my example with Chrissy and Ashley, Ashley used selective listening throughout the entire conversation by taking out parts that she wanted to hear. She asked questions that were irrelevant, as well as using monopolizing to make everything about herself as usual. I think it is hard for Ashley to understand that she has a problem with not listening and it is hard for Chrissy and other friends to express to her these feelings. Ashley uses too many forms of non-listening and it is going to turn into no one wanting to talk to her, because there is an unfair exchange between talking and listening. The only way you could manage the issue would be to express all of these feelings to her. Then she would have to educate herself on all of these forms of non-listening she uses and she would have to figure out how to change her ways, or she will be left in the dark with no friends to talk to or listen to her anymore.
Simon, G. (2009). Selective Listening and Attention: Hearing What You Want to Hear as a Manipulation Tactic. Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life.
The Concept
Non-listening according to Wood (2007) is called this because it simply does not involve real listening. There are six various types that most people engage in at least one point or other in their life. The six types of non-listening include: pseudolistening, monopolizing, selective listening, defensive listening, ambushing, and literal listening. All of these types of non-listening differ. They are all exceptionally important for us to understand so we can avoid using these tactics. To understand these styles will also allow us to realize if they are being used on us. Pseudolistening is simply pretending to listen. We pretend to be attentive, but our minds are elsewhere. The reasons we typically use pseudolistening is because we are bored or are too lost in the conversation already. The next type of non-listening is monopolizing. Monopolizing is continuously focusing communication on ourselves instead of listening to the person who is talking. This form of non-listening always tries to steer the attention from the speaker to the listener, in turn causing no listening on the listeners behalf, until they find their window for them to cut in. Similar to monopolizing, the next type is selective listening. Selective listening involves focusing only on particular parts of communication. This refers to listening to the only things that interest you. The next style us defensive listening. Defensive listening perceives personal attacks, criticism, or hostility in communication that is not critical or mean-spirited. When defensive listening is occurring we as the listener believe that the speaker is attacking us or that they do not trust us, or there is some other underlying hostility in the speaker’s message. Ambushing is listening carefully for the purpose of attacking a speaker. This is like the opposite of defensive listening, instead of the speaker attacking us; we are looking for certain words or tones to turn around on the speaker and the message. The last style is literal listening, and literal listening involves listening only for content and ignoring the relationship level of meaning. Literal listening does not give a conversation any depth it just relates back to the message and not the thoughts behind the message.
The Problem
So the other day Chrissy was talking to her friend from home, Ashley. She wanted to talk to her about her relationship issues. Now Ashley is a talker, and has more of a hard time listening because she is used to being the one that is getting listened to. Chrissy was hesitant to talk to Ashley about her issues because of this reason, but wanted to try just in case. One thing Chrissy brought up in conversation was that her boyfriend never seems to want to spend time with Chrissy when she is with her girlfriends. Ashley responded by saying “Well some of your friends at school are kind of hard to be around.” Chrissy took that with a grain of salt and then told her another concern about PDA and how she does not like to show it but her boyfriend does. Ashley came back and said “What is PDA again?” Chrissy wanted to give her one more chance so she said “My last concern is that my boyfriend might drink too much.” In full demand Ashley came back to say “Well yeah my boyfriend drinks a lot, too…” and after this she never stopped talking about herself.
Potential Management
According to Simon (2009) “The tactic of selective attention goes hand in hand with the inattentional thinking patterns. They almost always know what you’re about to say before you actually say it. And, they almost immediately start tuning you out. So, when they start tuning you out, you have absolute assurance they have no intention of changing course.” This research shows that selective listening is a problem and that it happens immediately in a conversation and you are tuned out the rest of the time. In my example with Chrissy and Ashley, Ashley used selective listening throughout the entire conversation by taking out parts that she wanted to hear. She asked questions that were irrelevant, as well as using monopolizing to make everything about herself as usual. I think it is hard for Ashley to understand that she has a problem with not listening and it is hard for Chrissy and other friends to express to her these feelings. Ashley uses too many forms of non-listening and it is going to turn into no one wanting to talk to her, because there is an unfair exchange between talking and listening. The only way you could manage the issue would be to express all of these feelings to her. Then she would have to educate herself on all of these forms of non-listening she uses and she would have to figure out how to change her ways, or she will be left in the dark with no friends to talk to or listen to her anymore.
Simon, G. (2009). Selective Listening and Attention: Hearing What You Want to Hear as a Manipulation Tactic. Psychology, Philosophy and Real Life.
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